What's Up, Bibi?

Dear Prime Minister,

Thank you for your WhatsApp message yesterday requesting an overview of our service. As you may know, we at Avelli Consulting offer political consultancy to political leaders across the world and count amongst our clients Jair Bolsonaro, Georgia Meloni, Viktor Orban and Boris Johnson-just your type of peers wouldn’t you agree? To that end I thought I would set out our service as you lead Israel into the next election.I think you’re going to need all the help you can get because there’s still a possibility that you might win and nobody wants that do they?

Let me state the problem as I see it and potential ways forward for a successful outcome, outlining what we’ve done for some other clients. Once you understand our revolutionary theory of politics everything will be crystal clear.

Let’s start with conventional political theory. Since Machiavelli (1532) it’s been assumed that political leaders always seek to obtain and retain power, doing whatever necessary – including corrupt dealings with old school chums and ultra right wing coalition partners as you’ve done. This is erroneous. It is wrong because all the data runs in the opposite direction.

The Great Oz

The big mistake is to follow Machiavelli and assume that political leaders seek to acquire and retain power. The reality is the opposite: they seek to avoid power or cede it if, by accident, they acquire it. Why? Because working beneath the surface is a much stronger force to do the opposite: to avoid power and thus any kind of accountability and responsibility. In effect, if the cost of power is responsibility then most politicians prefer to be in opposition. So they say they want power but look at all the screw ups they make when they’re in power, like yourself? It should be self evident that these can only be explained when we accept that political leaders don’t want power because it brings responsibility and they’ve got better things to go than to make the world a better place. So rather than follow Machiavelli’s dictum, you need to do the opposite: don’t seek power and if the opposition is even more incompetent than you are and by accident you get re-elected, you’d better engage in even more rash and illogical actions as possible to ensure your supporters or benefactors in your case - the US billionaire war profiteers - remove you. This is self evidently a better explanation for political leadership because to assume the opposite is to assume political incompetence and malevolence is an accident rather than the very bedrock of the system.

To remind you: politics is not abetting power and taking responsibility but avoiding both. Let me use some of my former clients, the UK and US to illustrate the point. As I pointed out to him, why would you want to earn what Boris Johnson did as Prime Minister $205,100/£158,000 instead of what he earned for writing a newspaper column $325,000/£250,000, be on TV a lot, earn more on outside jobs, and never be accountable for anything? Just think, no UN, no human rights conventions and no threats of getting bombs cut off.

Johnson even wrote two different news columns depending on whether he was going to support Brexit or Remain campaign and obviously thought that as every economist said Brexit would be economic suicide and every policy expert said leaving the most successful political alliance the UK has ever been in would be political suicide, the best course of action was to support the losing side and avoid any responsibility whilst getting paid large amounts of money elsewhere.

But then enough people believed his fabrications and Johnson accidentally won the Brexit vote; he was responsible for having to do something about it. Fortunately, it was clear to everyone he wasn’t capable of running anything and Theresa May won the leadership. Remaining on the margins of success without actually achieving any can be a tricky thing. When Theresa May failed to get her legislation through and he tripped himself up by accidentally beating his opponent, Jeremy Hunt, Johnson was confronted with the obvious problem: how to get out of office and pronto. Fortunately, COVID came to the rescue: He went to parties in Downing St when he knew it was against his own rules, shook hands with COVID patients despite being warned not to, refused to publish a report about dealings between the Tories and Russia, and illegally awarded contracts to his chums: amongst other things. Now, I’m not claiming that he consciously did these things on purpose – that would require a degree of intelligence beyond him, but rather, that history works to help leaders avoid responsibility by encouraging them to say stupid things and thus never get elected, or if they do, get quickly ousted by saying and doing even more stupid things. Just look at Biden!

It’s not restricted to Brits. Think how Trump inadvertently beat Hilary Clinton and then ensured he would fail at the next election helped by COVID: a dog could have eaten Scrabble tiles and shit out a better COVID strategy than Trump’s. But also failed to build a wall or make Mexico pay for it, or didn’t make America great again. He couldn’t just thank the American people for removing him, so he made a fuss about election fraud that never occurred and argued having 74 million votes automatically meant he had more than Biden’s 81 million votes. I mean, even a child knows the math doesn’t work but that’s the point: he doesn’t want to get power back, he just wants to revel in the publicity, the life protection, and the immunity from prosecution just like you do. He’s got to be making all these mistakes on purpose, hasn’t he?

OK, now let’s turn to you. You’ve got a terrible mess on your hands. Crushing all those Gazans with bulldozers would upset anyone. Putting those brave IDF soldiers in such difficult conditions and having no choice but to shoot terrified toddlers, I hurt for you. The world sympathises with your situation: having to face the threat of Palestinian children being treated in hospital, of course they need to be bombed! Admittedly, the UN finding that your government implemented a concerted policy to destroy Gaza’s healthcare system does question your narrative that that it was all down to stray Hamas rockets.

Of course there is an acceptable justification for burning people alive while they are attached to life support systems…I just can’t think of any right now. Shooting a newborn baby because …um…let’s move on.

One thing we can work with is the political capital for having to deal with those intolerable counter-terrorist. When asked what his message to Biden was, murdered Hamas leader Yahya Al-Sinwar replied, “Compel the occupation to adhere to international law and international resolutions. If the occupation complies, there is a possibility for a long-term truce.” I mean really, who could be expected to work with someone like that!? I can’t see why the Palestinian people hate you, can you?

And your defending Israel against journalism is to be marvelled at: murdering 177 journalists in one year – more than WWII and Vietnam combined - makes Saudi prince MBS look like an amateur!

I think you are an ideal candidate for our services, and although you may not be conscious of it yet, we can also help you achieve your aims but in a conscious way: escape the responsibility of power and avoid prosecution whilst gaining the publicity you desire, secure some lucrative jobs, immunity of prosecution and leave making the world a better place to someone else.

In my experience you show all the signs of wanting to be relieved of the burden of implementing a solution to the conflict, why else at the threat of a ceasefire would you murder the moderate chief negotiator if you actually wanted a settlement? It’s obvious you’re ready for new challenges.

‘It’s going to be a challenge with the benefactor you’ve got in Trump. We are going to have to work on your benefactor who is slow to get the message about your new direction. Trump like Biden told you that if you didn’t stop it he would have no choice but to send you more weapons time after time! And if you don’t stop shooting at UN peacekeepers, aid workers and starving innocent Gazan women and children Trump would have angry words with your arms dealer! We’ll have to find other ways to incentivize Trump to facilitate your transition. I mean, how much reckless war crimes from a fugitive of the ICC does it take for him to get the message?’

I think you’re unique amongst our client list in that you are showing all the signs of not just wanting to escape the hassles of leadership, but statehood as well. Breaking 65 UN resolutions including two conventions of war, committing mass atrocities across different countries, allowing death squads to kill indiscriminately in the West Bank, top experts in international law finding the ‘homeland of the Jews’ guilty of Apartheid, Illegal occupation, ‘probable genocide’ and and and- not the behaviour of an ethno-state that wants the responsibility of Statehood.

So, we can talk through some ideas of how to kill two birds with one stone. Just like Northern Ireland has a power-sharing agreement under the umbrella of a state, Israel could become the Puerto Rico of the dessert - a protectorate: leave the headache of statehood and making the Middle East a better place to someone else. Take a leaf from your own Orthodox voters - they’ve been protesting against the responsibility of having to carry out military murder, who can blame them? Leave it to someone else.

We can brainstorm suggestions, such as setting up METO – a Middle East Treaty Organisation, based on NATO. You’d be doing NATO a favour - they wouldn’t have to keep carrying out regime change in the Middle East under their name, like in Libya - oy veh! As a formalised arms dealer you could escape prosecution and still do what you do best which is procure arms. Imagine, North Carolinians got a paltry $750 per person for rebuilding after the hurricane; with the quadrupling of the money to Israel for the war every Israeli citizen is being subsidizes by the US taxpayer to the tune of £2,200/per Israeli citizen - you’re a natural!

Anyway, must go now, I have Trump on the line. If you want us to help you unburden yourself from the responsibility of making the world a better place, make lucrative contracts and be immune from prosecution then please respond - by WhatsApp obviously!

Worst of luck with the war,

Marc E. Avelli

Political Advisor to the World’s worst leaders

Geneva, Switzerland Uzi1 M16